Irrationally mad decision making to obtain the American Dream.

I sleep over 12 hours a day. Is there something wrong with me? Yes.

So I sleep in around 12-15 hours a day. Since there are only 24 hours in a day I’m actually only consciously currently living realistically only around 8-12 hours of the day. I moved to Scotland to get out of New York City. Everyone I call and talk to tell me how excited and fun they would think it would be. I didn’t even really think that way when I considered moving her on a spontaneous random whim. I really don’t understand myself. I Just don’t want to wakeup to my reality.

Sometimes I think I am dreadfully depressed. With this thought I really want medically marijuana just to get high and laugh really hard at sitcoms and comedy movies being fuzzy and high. However, I don’t live in California and I really don’t have any great weed hookups anywhere. I’m not even a pothead. I suppose I’d prefer natural high over medications that have a list of side effects just to make you less depressed.

I find myself to level headed to consider myself a depressed person. You see, that is the problem. When you are not either or you are in a constant dilemma with your mood. Sometimes I just want to shout, “Someone help me! Someone hug me! Fuck me! Be my friend and hangout with me!” blah blah blah. I’m sure you have been there. I dread being so lonely and unexcited about my environment that is suppose to be so exciting told to me by everyone that learns of the position I put myself in.

I’ve thought about suicide. I’m a complete ultimate fiasco of a failure by any American success story. I suppose since I was brought up Catholic and all I know of the more spiritual world and reincarnation is that is suicide really worth it? I really don’t want to goto purgatory and be stuck in my current thoughts. I also don’t want to be reincarnated as a mentally challenged, disabled, or bug. No thanks. I want to die being free and maybe just get to chill out for a few centuries with some hot babes that are angels. I thought if I did just end this silly life I’d do it by sky diving. I have a fear of heights, but it would be pretty almost to fly and drop down for a few minutes before I flattened myself like a pancake.

But I must get it together. I must finish my writing, a film or two, continue to trade the stock market, and continue to go mad going after the American dream I’ve been brainwashed so well with growing up watching Saturday morning cartoons. I don’t know it just might be Scotland weather…

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6 responses

  1. Hi Paul – it does sound like you are depressed. Scotland in late Autimn wouldn’t help with that I think 🙂 How did you just move to Scotland? Are you an EU citizen? I gave up on trading because I was going crazy/depressed doing it. I’m still investing, doing long-term trades. But short-term trades especially with options is just very tough for most people.

    October 31, 2011 at 2:06 am

    • Yes, Scotland autumn is tough and probably more tough then trading options due to the fact that I’ve never really seen, tasted, and played with the money I’ve made/lost. However, the gloomy gray atmosphere is great for writing morbid poetry and love songs… I gave up on trying to get a date, but I can’t give up on trading options. I just won’t no matter how much hell it puts me through. I know to much. I just need to man up and stop acting like a young rebel and trade more disciplined or hold off until I can. I’m USA just in Scotland to escape my boring MBA program temporarily.

      October 31, 2011 at 2:15 am

  2. nonblonde10

    Hello, I completely understand your situation I sleep a minimum 15 hours a day since leaving my career due to physical illness. I can easily say you are depressed and should talk to your doctor. Secondly, you may possibly have sleep apnea. I have both and nothing has helped nor have I helped myself and I hide this from most. I have had suicidal thoughts on and off for four years but am Catholic and scared to go to hell. I read studies that say we will die much earlier which sends me back to bed. I am trying to sleep my shitty life away…since I have lost everything I worked so hard for. I wish you the best of luck. One other embarrassing item….in the past 18 months I have even stopped showering daily and even went one month this past year without. I am so chronically tired I will probably get bed sores. Help come to us both soon or some kind of motivation to live!

    January 22, 2013 at 11:02 am

    • Sounds like you’ve got it all figured out sleeping. Thank you for this very depressing comment and I’m sure with time you’ll get yourself out of your slump. I enjoy sleeping though. Anyway, even though you are Catholic and probably don’t believe in reincarnation you should know what you don’t finish in this life will follow you to the next so get with it and get out of bed.

      January 27, 2013 at 8:00 pm

      • MERY

        I have been sleeping 12 hours shift since I was eighteen and guess Im a functioning bi-polar, my excuse is I just love sleep that is how I dream and see even things before they happened other I see the future and no I’m not kidding, my sleep realm has saved me from lots of agonies and events that could have killed me in our reality. I feel strongly those that sleep extra hours is to escape so many bad events of our world that occurs everyday. But sleep for me is an escape to a land of hope and peace. I have been able to function without depression for years by keeping up with positives and, keeping busy, with things, and types of jobs I love…HOPE THIS HELPS ANYONE FEELING SUICIDAL…

        June 3, 2015 at 6:24 am

      • Thanks Mery. I love my sleep too, but sometimes I think it can be used to escape our reality and we just have to face it head on. Maybe I’m a closet bi-polar person too. Keep busy and living!

        -Paul

        June 4, 2015 at 10:12 pm

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